Dear God,
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and searching lately and it seems as if you aren’t there. I don’t know where we’ve gone wrong.
Is it because I love a woman? That seems to be where it all started. The distance, the cold shoulder, the silence that greeted my questions. I don’t know if it’s me or you.
Remember when I was a kid and I would lie in bed and just chatter away? We were so close. I knew. I knew you where there with out a doubt. I knew you were patiently listening and probably smiling.
What happened? I don’t feel as if your smile has turned my way in years. I don’t feel as if you are proud of me. Have I failed you that horribly?
I know when things changed between us, God. It was the day I accepted I was a lesbian, the day I cried because I knew how much I would lose. I asked you to help me.
You answered me with silence. Always silence. I’ve waited, listened, asked, and even begged. I can’t do it any more.
If loving a woman has condemned me, then you aren’t a God of love at all. Do you know how much I love Cara? Do you see?
I’ll take full responsibility for my decision to walk away from you. But with the silence for answers you’ve all ready gone in so many ways. We were just two strangers standing next to each other.
Ceara
Filed under: God | Tagged: bisexual, chrisitian, Dear God, Faith, gay, God, homosexual, jesus, Lesbian, lesbian Christian, letter to God, prayer, queer
I honestly think that the homophobic God that society has created is a complete distortion of what is really out there.
Good luck helping the real one find you!
I just wanted to say that I feel honored to be your friend. Amazing post. Thank you.
C,
My heart weeps for you, my sister. And I know the heart of God breaks for your pain. God is there, C. He loves you and Cara. And so do I.
I encourage you to not see the cold shoulder you get from some Christians as the same as getting the cold shoulder from God.
Drop me a line, girl. Let’s dialog on this.
Love,
Matty
Oh, sweetie, this breaks my heart. It really does.
(((HUGS)))
Ceara… I just have to share these song lyrics with you. I remember being so angry and hurt during a long silence in my life from God. Years later I heard this song. It made me cry, but gave me a little peace… (no answers, but peace).
{hugs}…
“Are you listening
To anything that I say
‘Cause I been praying
How many prayers can I pray
I’m still waiting
Maybe You’ll show up today
I know You’re here, but I can’t feel You
And if You’re speaking, I can’t hear You
How much longer will this last…
Chorus: So okay Answer me with silence
It’s okay if You don’t say a word
You’re testing me to trust You’ll be faithful in this quiet
So okay
Answer me
With silence
Why do I question
Your intentions for me
When Your affection
Is a proven legacy
Oh Father, Father
Turn my fears into peace
I know Your love will never leave
I know You want what’s best for me
You’re testing me to trust You’ll be faithful in this quiet
Oh, it’s okay
If You answer me with silence
And it’s okay if You don’t say a word
You’re testing me to trust You’ll be faithful in this quiet
So okay
Answer me
With silence.” (by Joy Williams)
Ceara,
How nice to finally have a name to put to the woman behind the blog. You might have put it out there before but this is the first time I connected the dots.
I’m not sure when I’ve read a prayer so honest and sincere and I thank you for sharing it in this way because I suspect it gives voice to a prayer that thousands have prayed even while thinking they were the only ones to pray it.
My beloved D and I have been together for a little more than 8 years now. I adore her as you do Cara. She’s my heart and soul and I’m utterly smitten by her and she by me. After all these years filled with such incredible memories and experiences together the times I most treasure, that feel the most intimate and sweet are when we’re together and saying nothing. We’ll be riding in the car or walking hand in hand or eating a meal and all the while we’re doing it in total silence but the silence isn’t empty. It’s full of the love that’s flowing between us and the warm and devotion of our relationship. I mean, any way I try to describe it here cheapens it but you probably know exactly what I’m talking about because it’s something that all couples in love know well.
So my thought is this…maybe the silence coming from God isn’t because you and God are like two strangers standing side by side. Maybe it’s simply because sometimes the silence between two lovers, whether that be you and Cara, or God and you, is filled with more love than any words could ever express. Maybe the silence is really God saying all is so well between you and I that nothing need be said at all.
You might not be able to believe it right now C but honestly, I can’t imagine God is doing anything different than God was doing when you were a little girl laying in bed chattering away…just listening and smiling and delighting in you and hoping with all the hope that God’s heart holds that you’d hear his/her love in the stillness.
Just my thoughts. And like Matt said, if you’d ever like to talk…
Anita
Along the path I’ve chosen, I’ve noticied “God” within…not outside. I see “God” or “Soul” or “Enlightment” in people that have the courage and love to face the question of their individual spirituality, just like you’re doing. So I humbly state to you that I see “God” in you and Cara, and that touches me as a message more truly divine than any message from any pulpit. “Namaste…”
Ok…so I really can’t get your heartfelt search out of my head…Usually in these situations I’d cook a meal for you and Cara (you can take the girl out of the South but not the South out of the girl)…oh…, I’d bring drinks too, but since none of this can happen I’ll tell a Buddhist joke.
What does Buddha say when ordering a hotdog?
“One with everything”
My cooking is better than my jokes by the way…
I only just joined up with wordpress and found your posts right off.
Once, I was in the same place of anguish as I feel coming from your posts.
Sincerely, I wish you an ever enriched spiritualjourney as you continue your questioning & sharing in this forum. I would like to assure you that there is a place of joy and recognition when you finally discover that serene place within.
It is a sacred place, a personal place a safe place of no shame, no guilt and no suffering. I found it after years of anguish and self-condemnation. Realizing that there is nothing that the devine has not already given, I found my suffering fading as gratitude swept through me for the blessed capacity to love myself, my partner, my tormentors -past & present- and my neighbors. God is within you, I and everyone, but it takes courage, awareness questioning and compassion for self-a major blessing.
I believe that more difficult for a lesbian than for the acceptance of any institution, religion or culture is self-acceptance
____which comes from giving all the compassion you are able to that so-very-deserving beautiful woman that you are then your capacity to love your partner will expand evena.
Blessings
I think your God has spoken volumes!
Why don’t you accept Cara as the gift that she is, and be happy in the knowledge that of all of God’s teachings, love is the basis of them all?
Mikki
Ceara-
After reading your very honset, moving letter, I found myself just sitting here, crying. Hurt for you and angry for you at the same time.
Not too long ago, your letter was many times my prayer, my cry out to Jesus. I felt like he was still there, but that closeness we once had felt like it was gone.
One thing I realized is where God really doesn’t have anything to say about you loving Cara, MANY people do. Many are willing to tell us that we feel seperation because of our “sin”.
At one point I didn’t feel him smiling down on me either…..besides my partner, no one else around me was smiling at me, why would God?
I believe what happens to many of us is those voices of condemnation drowned out anything God may have to say to us. Nobody can hear that small, still voice when so many others are yelling words of unacceptance and condemnation.
I don’t believe you have to choose between Cara or God, I believe you can have both, if you want. Perhaps throughout the years you have been made to feel like you have to choose, I don’t know.
Whatever the case may be for you, I hope and pray you find peace.
Along with Matt and Anita, if you ever want to talk more…
Right on Mikki!
ALEXANDRA–my journey begins. I’m trying not to think of it as a ending. I hope I find what I’m looking for. Thanks for your encouragement.
MEG–You rock. You are the greatest friend that someone could have. The honor is mine. Thanks for the books on wicca. I’ll post my thoughts once I dig into them.
MATTHEW-Hey there stranger. I’ve missed you. We can chat away. I’ll continue to share my thoughts and feelings on here. Hey that’s what Wednesdays are for. God had been such a big part of my growing up I’m sure I’ll do some comparisons here on my path to spiritual what ever.
LINDSEY-Hey you. I’m never going to stop reading your posts. What you have to say is very thought provoking and I am always open to new thoughts and perspectives. Stay sweet, stay strong, stay true.
WENDY–Thank you for sharing those song lyrics with me. That is where I used to be. I’m starting to move on. I guess for me I can’t live in what feels like a spiritual void.
ANITA–I should probably throw my name up there more often. You are right there are many times when Cara and I are sitting in silence or reading. I’ll sneak a peak at her and I can’t believe how incredibly lucky I am. In those silences in our relationship I can often feel how much I do love her and that my love for Cara is continuing to grow.
It’s different with God. If I were silent for five years I’m willing to bet that Cara would leave me after about six months. Five years I’ve hung in there. It’s has worn on my spirit.
I keep posting my thoughts. My journey to some place. I’ve been keeping in mind that its the journey that brings so much not necessarily the destination.
Anita, thanks for swinging by and your words of encouragement.
THEHOSTESS–I have book that you recommended. Living Buddha…I’ll dig into those. I didn’t at first realize this would be such a journey. A sad one and one that I’m looking forward to in some odd way.
I’m from the south too. I hear you about a meal and a conversation. I miss the south.
JJBOUVIER–Welcome to Word Press. There are a lot of good blogs, and people on here.
I agree that a spiritual journey is a sacred. It’s my relationship with a higher power and it can’t be like anyone else’s. Because we are not like anyone else.
I’m comfortable with who I am. I just can’t reconcile it with Christianity/God. I’m not certain I can change who I am for God.
Come back again. Thank you for sharing you thoughts and in sites.
Peace to all of you,
Ceara
MIKKI–I do accept Cara. You are right she is the most precious gift in my life. It’s not that I haven’t accepted her. It that I feel as if God and Christianity hasn’t accepted us.
You’re right God’s teaching is love. I haven’t seen or felt His love in a while.
STEPHANIE–Thank you for your kind words. I just for the life of me can’t reconcile my faith with the what I have been taught my whole life.
I’ve given up. You’re right, I often feel like the only person smiling at me and approving of me is Cara.
I’ve listened for the still small voice. I’ve strained my hearts ears for some whisper.
I’ve just lost hope. But I’ll find my way.
Ceara-
You know, I know everybody’s reconciliation journey is so very different and I believe there are great reasons for that.
“I just for the life of me can’t reconcile my faith with the what I have been taught my whole life.”
I so know what you mean. When we hear the same message all our lives, I think we begin to believe it. It settles deep within us and sometimes we don’t even know it.
Hang on to hope girl, I too believe you will find your way. I’m confident that God will reveal all the understanding we need and you will hear his sweet whispers again.
God loves you. Now let’s give God to others. Vote our rights:
http://thebruceblog.wordpress.com/2008/06/11/gays-guess-what-your-vote-matters-for-your-rights/
Caera,
I get what you’re saying about the place you’re at and that you’re weary from it. And like you I wouldn’t be content for God to connect with me in silence indefinitely either so I hope that however it is you need to hear it that God will speak up sometime soon in ways loud and clear.
And yes, please do keep posting your thoughts on the journey…for yourself but also for others.
Looks like you have quite a fan base here by the way
Ceara,
You are right there is silence from God. Light and darkness can not dwell in the same place. You are full of darkness with your lust for women.
God is a God of love, and you have condemned yourself. No one sends you to hell but you. The ‘love’ you have isn’t a Godly love but a worldly love. A love of the flesh for flesh.
You walked away from God the moment you accepted that you were a lesbian. You fell for a lie of Satan’s and he has you firmly in his grasp.
You wonder why God is silent? You are proud, boastful, and unashamed of your sin. What can a God who can not look on sin say to that? What answer do you expect for him to give you?
Ceara, you want God to accept your sin. One of the very sins that He died on the cross for. You are spitting in his face when you say you are seeking after Him and not willing to change you life style choice.
You have chosen to love a woman. You have chosen not to love God.
There are many people who will lie to you in the name of God. They will tell you that being a homosexual is acceptable in God’s eyes. They will talk about the compassion and love of God as if that love negates sin.
God is a God of love. That is true, there are many verses in the bible that state how loving God is. If you read the bible it is also very clear that he does not tolerate sin.
While many people on here will try and win you over with the verses of God’s love and his compassion they aren’t being fully honest. I am.
The compassion is for those who are willing to lay down their burdens. For the people who honestly seek after Him and are willing to sacrifice their wants and desires for His.
Ceara, below is a verse from the bible addressing the very life style choice you embrace wholeheartedly.
Rom. 1:26-28, “For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, 27and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error. 28And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper.”
Homosexuality is clearly condemned by the Bible. It goes against the created order of God. He created Adam and then made a woman. This is what God has ordained and it is what is right. Unlike other sins, homosexuality has a severe judgment administered by God Himself. This judgment is simple: They are given over to their passions. That means that their hearts are allowed to be hardened by their sins (Romans 1:18ff). As a result, they can no longer see the error of what they are doing. Without an awareness of their sinfulness, there will be no repentance and trusting in Jesus. Without Jesus, they will have no forgiveness. Without forgiveness, there is no salvation.
Ceara, other translations call it a reprobate mind. The definition of a reprobate mind is: a person rejected by God and beyond hope of salvation.
Think about it. Rejected by God. Is that what you are feeling?
Ceara, I understand your pain. You’ve put something very clearly that I’ve been struggling with myself.
I have no words of wisdom. Just that you are courageous to open up about your journey, your doubts, your search. I echo what everyone else has said… keep searching, keep thinking, keep feeling. Maybe there is something else there, as others say: You keep searching and eventually have a breakthrough with god. Maybe there isn’t anything there after all. But you’re open to possibilities, and that offers hope that maybe, if there is anything out there, it’s worth looking for.
I send positive thoughts your way.
Oh Ceara,
It’s easy to think that God isn’t there because
we turn our backs. It’s not like he has turned
his. Remember, He made you. He knew he
was making you to love a woman. You are His
vesel to showing others what love really is like.
To except others for who they are because there
needs to be more love and less hate in this world.
You are never alone when you think you are. He
will always be there you just have to look at what
you have.
You have your partner, the love you both share…
He brought y’all together.
Your heart aches, He gave those to you to show
you that you do have feelings and you are capable
of love.
He’s there just as he always has been.
He’s proud of you because you are you.
HUGS!!!!!!
STEPHANIE–If I don’t accept what I’ve been taught my whole life then it means I was taught a lie with millions of other people. Could that many people be wrong? Scary thought for me. I’ve been having a lot of scary thoughts lately though.
ANITA–Sticks and stones are hard on bones, aimed with angry art, words can sting like anything but silence breaks the heart. For some reason that children’s rhyme goes through my head when I think about where I am at right now.
I get the feeling its going to be a interesting journey for me. Thanks for coming along for part of the trek.
fans, *blushes* good people who are encouraging.
JADE-Thank you for the positive thoughts. I need all the positive I can get right now. It’s good to know that I’m not a lone in the struggle. There are many people who share the same thoughts and feelings.
It’s strange how we can feel alone with so many people out there with the same struggles.
LAURIE–I hope one day I will hear God say loud and clear that he is proud of me. May be my heart won’t hear those words, but I know Cara is proud, my mom, and my sister.
SANE-I’ve been trying to form a reply to your comments for days. I’ve been thinking probably way too much about the things that you post on here and other blogs.
But here it goes.
I understand that you believe that I’m living a life of sin.
I understand that the bible says homosexuality is a sin.
I understand that I’m living a life that has probably condemned me to hell.
I understand that you are doing what you feel God has asked you to do.
I understand that you love God and want to share the truth of the scripture as you see it.
I understand that you want me to come to a understanding of Christ.
What I don’t understand is why you must be so strong in your approach?
I don’t understand the venom that you come after me and others.
I don’t understand.
Maybe I have fallen for a lie of Satan’s. Maybe I have chosen hell. Maybe I do have a reprobate mind.
Maybe I just don’t really care anymore.
Sane, please, please tone it down.
Sane- I plan on addressing your comment over at Hills blog but for now, I want to say something I have already said to you over at Lindey’s blog adn i believe Ceara is trying to express to you. It’s ok that you have your opinion but your “witnessing” techniques are going to push people further from Christ, NOT draw them closer. You are going to cause people more harm than good.
Ceara-You know, I struggled with that too, then I looked further and began to see that we have more of a “majority rules, popular belief theology”. It freaked me out to see how many things I believed just because someone else told me (my church, Joyce Meyer, TD Jakes, and on and on and on) they were true and then I looked further and realized that we really do that with ALOT of things and have been doing that generation after generation.
I’m not going to lie, the journey was hard, I questioned my faith, I doubted Christianity, because of the contridictians and hypocrisy. I felt hopeless at moments, that was heartbreaking for me. But then I realized it was worth it to look deeper in to things and be real about them rather than continue to just believe what others say. I have learned to test everything.
Your journey is between you and God. Not me, not Sane, not anyone else. I know you know that, I just continue to pray that you guard yourself with things you receive from others and present them all to God. Continue to wrestle with God, not letting go until you get your answers. Again, I am confident that God will reveal it all to you.
C–I’m throwing one more comment into the mix…just something I’m thinking about this afternoon. I don’t know how I feel about this whole God/heaven/hell thing, but I do know that any loving God/Goddess/Higher Power would not just accept, but be proud of, the love you and Cara have for each other. You’re a good person and you lead a good life and I truly believe that is what God would want from his/her people. Hang in there.
M
STEPHANIE–I agree it is heart breaking. There are a lot of contradictions going on around me. When I was in college a friend of mine game me a list of verses that contradict one another.
Can God contradict himself because he’s God? That makes it okay. Or did God change, the God who never changes?
MEG–Throw away. Your comments are always welcome. I’m a hangen in there. I think there is more than one god/goddess in existence. I think it has come down to a popularity contest. That doesn’t make the most popular God the right god.
Does that make any sense?
C–makes perfect sense to me…I wish more people would send themselves on a spiritual journey rather than blindly accepting what they’re told. Faith shouldn’t be about judging others or converting people to what one person/a group of people believe to be the “only way”. It should be about our individual relationships with whatever God/Goddess we feel a connection with. You have me thinking about my own beliefs in this arena with your Wednesday posts. Thanks. (and yes, I’m blog stalking all of wordpress today
).
MEG–I hope our paths cross on our spiritual walk. We can share our insights and ideas. (?)
Ceara,
I hear what you are saying. Let me just say I’m not yelling at you. I think that is how people are interpreting what I am posting.
It’s about balance. People on here are posting to you as if God doesn’t condemn sin. Any sin, not just the sin of homosexuality.
They talk about Gods love as if there are no expectations to lead a holy life. These people are out to fool you and deceive you.
Let me ask you this, what kind of Christian would wish you luck on a spiritual journey that takes you away from Christ? Isn’t it a Christians calling to lead people to Christ? What about encouraging you to walk away from God is Christ like? Have you asked them how they have reconciled their sexuality with what the bible says God clearly won’t tolerate? Have you asked those who aren’t homosexuals if they think homosexuality is a sin? Would it be fair of them to talk about Gods love and you come to accept what they say then they ask you to change?
If someone who was a thief, murderer, adulter, or lair came to Christ and continued in those things would you think they were a Christian? It is the same with homosexuality.
The truth often sounds harsh. But again I stress I’m not yelling at you. Just trying to balance those who are seeking to lead you into a false relationship with Christ.
They are mistaking passion for harshness. Was it not passion that lead God to send Jesus to Earth to die for our sins so we could be reconciled to Him?
Search for God in the bible, through His word and teachings. No where else.
Sane
1 John 4:10- This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins
And elsewhere the Bible says “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Your belief that God’s love can somehow be earned by our actions is patently false. God’s love exists for us whether or not we are saved and whether or not we respond to it. Now, to follow that thought, our natural response to God’s love should be to desire to please him, just as I desire to make my earthly parents proud of me. But in that same way we must acknowledge that there are some things about us which are very difficult if not near impossible to change, and while God will give us the strength to do so in his own timing.
IF Ceara were to be called away from her wife (and that is a very big IF) she obviously has not been given the strength to do so yet. And taking an offensive stance against her will only wear her down.
And as for wishing her luck on her journey, I do so gladly. Because I have faith that God is still out there, still wooing her. I have faith that what Ceara wants beyond all other things is to feel loved by God, and since both things are true the natural conclusion to her journey will be to find God and be loved by him.
The difference between you and I is that you believe Ceara’s heart is hard and bent by her sin, and I believe it is broken and open by her circumstances. You believe that she has removed herself from God, and I believe that God has been silent in order to show her his full glory when she is ready to witness it.
In other words, I believe that you suffer from a lack of the kind of trust that truly wins souls. But you are a stranger to me. I may be wrong.
I need coffee. The last line of my third paragraph should read “but while God will give us strength he will only do so in his own timing.”
A timing that I shouldn’t have to point out often defies and mocks our expectations. (Just as Ceara feels mocked by the silence she hears.)
And Ceara, let me offer you some spare (((HUGS))) and (((KISSES))), I know this post and the comments it is producing must rub you a little raw.
C–I think that would be great.
M
SANE–Those are valid questions and thoughts. No, I haven’t thought about some of questions that you asked.
I will though. If I feel as if I need to ask someone those questions I will.
LINDSEY–I am pretty worn down. But I have been for a while. I’ve had a few ‘what have I done’ moments about this post. I’m the sort of person who’ll just shoulder my way through. What’s done is done. Can’t undo it.
I just popped you an email of obscene length, but I thought I’d come here and give you extra hugs just in case.
You are God’s lovely little girl, Ceara. You are precious to him and wanted by him. Isn’t he the God who saved his people from Exile again and again? Isn’t the entire Old Testament the story of his children rejecting him, and him saving them again and again? Isn’t the story of Christ come another act in that play, another symbolic story of just how far God would go to woo his people? And all of that for a people who rejected him and sent him to his death.
God loves you.
Awww Lindsey that was beautiful. I so second that.
I would aslo like to say that I know Sane had some good question however, I wouldn’t think it necessary for you to ask all those questions. They really don’t have to do with you, God and your relationship with God directly.
They have to do with everyone else and it sounds like you have enough on your plate to sort and work through with God without adding more.
I hope and pray that you find many quiet, intimate moments with God without all the pressures and voices from so many others in the world. (Wow, that’s sooo easier said than done!) Anyway, don’t stop searching and wrestling girl! The anwers will come.
Ceara,
I have started a blog to address this very issue. I am extending an invitation to you to visit this blog and ask questions.
People on here think I’m being bit too harsh. It seems the truth frightens them. Some have even stated that they feel I should be blocked from posting on certain blogs.
These are Christians saying this. Is this the love they speak of to you? The all accepting Gods love that they offer you? At what point will they say they have had enough of you and block you? (Or suggest it to the writer of the blog?)
When challenged peoples true self comes out. What have you seen?
I will continue to e-mail you and defend you from the deception that is being encouraged here.
The truth will set you free. Gods truth will win out. I have faith in that.
Sane: I hope you respect the fact that despite my disagreeing with you, I have continued to allow your comments and will keep doing so.
It’s not the truth that frightens people- I acknowledge the fact that the Bible says what it says, and I still have an issue with some of your stances because they leave no room for people to struggle, as people naturally do. You continually blame Satan and say that gay affection is Satanic in nature and people who say they love God but remain gay are following Satan. It confounds me that you do not see how that kind of language can be deeply hurtful to people who are sincerely struggling to understand how to follow God.
LINDSEY–Got the e-mail thanks. I’ve read it and am working on digesting it.
You’re right the story of the old testament is about God helping his people out of some pretty mighty jams.
STEPHANIE–who can wrestle God and win? That’s just an ass kick-en waiting to happen. May be I can just run around the ring a bit and tire him out before I tackle him.
Thanks for swinging by and your encouragement. I did spend some quiet time with the God. It was just too quiet.
SANE–Thank you for the invite. I’ll swing by right now.
Then I’m off to bed. I’m beat. It’s been a long day.
C-
LOL! That was funny! You’re right, Jacob’s hip got thrown out of place in the midst of wrestling with God in Genesis…….hey, he did receive the blessing though!
Anyway, you are welcome for the encouragement, my heart goes out to ya and my prayers for you.
Peace.
The most touching part of the Old Testament, to me, is the fact that the Israelites constantly defied God, and he still showed them the most amazing grace. And Abraham, for example, defied God at every turn and even argued with God- only to be rewarded. I’ve even heard it preached that God probably never intended for Abraham to sacrifice Isaac- as Abraham always argued.
Moses argued as well. He told God to find someone else and then argued about his speaking ability and his qualifications. And we’ve all heard about Jonah, right? And the prophets… sheesh, don’t get me started. Oooh, and Job. Wow. Job.
I guess what I’m saying, Ceara, is go ahead and wrestle this one home. You’re in good company when you do it. And God has shown that he will reign down fire if he’s got to, to get your attention. Just carry a titanium umbrella, okay?
Lesbainsaidwhat, It is good to question and wrestle with things in this life. A lot of times people are speaking out of what they feel to be in your best interest. I realize they are speaking out of their convictions, but don’t forget that your best interests boil down to be between you and God.
I had quite a few years when God was silent so I understand how dark and dreary things seem right now, sometimes I think I needed that long dry spell to fully be ready to embrace God and hold on tight when I made my way back to him.
I am gay and in no way do I think that I am condemned to hell. I may end up there but it won’t be just because I am gay.
All I know is, what God wants and what he/she doesn’t want, to which God one wants to subscribe to, have been the subject of intense debate by many honest men and women throughout the face of the globe throughout all its history.
If figuring out God’s will was as simply manifest as some would like to believe, everyone would believe one religion, all walking in lockstep with one another. And if only *one* version of God was right, then God was pretty capricious in deciding that people born and raised in a certain area of the globe got the goodies, while everyone else gets to go to hell. Because that’s basically what religion often comes down to: What feels right feels right because that’s what you were raised to feel right. Some people question this, and some may even change, but what you were raised with remains the baseline. Even if you, say, changed Christian denominations, because you live in the U.S., what if you were completely off base? The only true God’s really Allah? You’re fucked, then, aren’t you?
I tend to think God is far more complex than any one person or religion can completely comprehend. But what do I know? I’m just a person with far more questions than answers.
Further, I think a God would be cruel to create a human with the capacity to love (unselfishly loving another, grown human being), but then force that human not to love because their variety of love. Many gay men and women have died by their own hand after realizing they couldn’t change their God-created nature, and thus feeling that they are an affront to all that is good and holy. Or died knowing that, to be holy, they could never love another person.
But maybe God is cruel. Maybe that’s his/her true nature. Again, I’m just a girl with more questions than answers.
The God I was told was up there already hates me because I think men and women were created of equal stature. So I’m already on that charter bus, heading to hell, and according to others, I’m apparently selling you tickets to ride along with me.
Because to question, to ask of alternatives, to think differently from one another, is, in itself, sin. Because to some, knowing God’s will is simply manifest.
Ceara, I don’t know if you’d be interested, or if you’ve already seen this, or, since you may be turning away from Christianity that you wouldn’t be interested, but I did watch a movie that could be the starting point of more study, if one was so inclined. It’s an independent film, “For the Bible Tells Me So.” Desmond Tutu, V. Gene Robinson and Chrissy Gephardt all are in it. Whether or not you believe their conclusions, it’s a fascinating view.
LINDSEY–lol titanium umbrella. All out. Perhaps he can throw the fire across the sky I don’t want anyone standing next to me to get splashed by falling lava.
I’ll still read the bible and look at it. I’m no bible whiz though. So I may come up with some stupid questions. Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?
WVHILLCOUNTRY–I can’t handle silence. There is something miserable about it. In the end I may be a stronger person. But will I be a better person? I want to be.
I think that’s why I’m so bothered by the silence, I just want to be a better person.
JADE–I’ve thought a lot about who is right. If I were raised in the middle east I would be Muslim. What if I were born into some amazon tribe who’s idea of god isn’t anything anyone knows about?
Who’s right? Christian’s, Muslims, Buddhist? I’m right there with you, far more questions than answers.
I’d buy a ticket on that bus. We could ride together, the Gray Hound to hell. I think it would probably be a full load on the bus.
I’ll definitely check out the movie. I’ll be interested in what I can learn. Thank you for the recommendation.
The silence can be deafening. And your goal of being a better person is commendable. Please don’t forget that God created you and he doesn’t make mistakes. Does that mean I think people can do whatever they want?
No, and there are sins in our lives. Everyone’s lives are touched by sin. Even if being gay is a sin, (I don’t believe it to be) it is no worse than the sin of judgement or coveting, or any of the other sins mentioned in the Bible. There are few, if any, people gay or straight that can say they do not sin on a daily basis.
Everyday that we are alive we grow toward being that better person. I believe that life is a journey, always moving forward. We will be finished growing only when we are face to face to God. Till then you and I are works in progress.
WVHILLCOUNTRY–I agree we are all works in progress. I guess I feel like a work never gets completed if left on the shelf.
I may be wrong. I may be in the kiln getting fired. Made harder for what ever reason.
Who knows? I don’t.
I’m thinking – aren’t all sins based on lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride? All other sins, like adultery, murder, rape etc can be sourced from them. As far as I know, homosexuality is the only sin according to the bible which does not have roots in these 7 human emotions. Falling in love with someone of your own sex is still love – a pure emotion. How can God condem it? I don’t understand that.
Being gay is very much like being left handed. A certain percentage of the population are wired to be that way, and although both conditions can be programed out of you – you still remain in essence, gay… or left handed (- and not necesserily both)
LILI–Good thoughts and good points. I never thought of the link to the 7 deadly sins. I’ll have to think on that more. I think some people would put it being gay/lesbian under lust because they view it as ‘unnatural’.
C.
Dear Ceara,
I was truly touched and saddened by what you wrote. As a spiritual seeker for many years who has had some bittersweet pit stops (especially with christian church membership ), I can say from the heart please don’t allow programming from your early years to reign supreme in your current life. If you know you are living in a sincere manner and really trying to make emotionally healthy life choices, then I encourage you to proceed forward with peace in your heart. From your words it seems evident that you are a beautiful, sensitive person. That is a gift which will surely allow you to give and receive love, if you remain receptive to it. Wow, you are special. I truly wish you all the best. Take care feel free to write. Love, Chris.
CHRIS–Thanks for your reply and taking the time to read my post.
I’m in the process of trying to un-program myself. It’s really hard. Going to church every Sunday while growing up the stuff kind gets into your fibers.
Thanks for your encouragement. Keep on keeping on.
C
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